Reflecting on Independence Day

#PatrickHenryWasKindOfADick

It was a long weekend. For nearly all of it, I was in a state of overstuffedness.

Let’s review how I spent Friday, July 1, through Monday, July 4.

Days I consumed alcohol: 2

I went to the West Branch beer tent Friday, and drank at a birthday party Sunday. I don’t believe I drank at all Saturday, although Sunday was the only day I didn’t have to work. Exhaustion is a hell of a way to stay sober.

Days I worked: 2

Saturday and Monday. Enough said about that.

Days I ate until I felt like I was going to puke: 3

Saturday at my mom’s house I think I ate for three straight hours. Sunday I ate lunch at my parents, then went to aforementioned birthday party, where I ate again. Monday I was with the family again, eating and eating and eating.

Times I forced alcohol down even though I felt like there was no room left in my poor stomach: 2

Both times I drank I felt like I couldn’t possibly fit anything else inside my internals. Yet the Budweiser was flowing. Is that healthy?

Times I got legit exercise: 1

Saturday before going to take pics of a parade for work, I went to the gym. Needless to say anything positive it did for my body was erased.

Times I watched fireworks: 2

I covered the Skidway Lake fireworks show Saturday night (I got some pretty sweet pics, if I say so myself). Monday, after working in the morning, I stopped at my friends’ house. We lit off some snakes off the porch. It was epic. It looked like the stoop was shitting upward. We also tried to light off two bottle rockets. The first one was just stuck in the ground, (I’m pretty sure that’s how it showed how to do it on the box. Oh, it’s not? They’re supposed to be in bottles? I get it now.) while the second one was in a can. The first one whistled and popped … but didn’t move. The second one was a dud.

I can only imagine what I would have felt like had it not been for the times I worked during the weekend. It’s probable that the “Days I consumed alcohol” would have been greater.

I did manage to write some new standup bits, too, actually. Monday morning, I arrived for an event I was covering TWO HOURS EARLY (I could go on a rant here …). Unfortunately, the event was too far away from anywhere that I could drive to and not punch myself in the nuts for wasting gas. But I made the best of it.

The material, I think, was quite funny. It covers something I learned while getting a physical in high school, an awkward racial moment in college, and foreign doctors.

Or, as you may call them, doctors. What other kinds are there?

So, when it comes down to it, I think I celebrated Independence Day in about as American of fashion as one could. For instance, I covered many of the staples of modern Americanism.

1. Capitalism: I worked during the holiday (pictures at a parade, fireworks show and kids fishing derby), and worked on my own side project (standup).

2. Obesity: I don’t want to look at a hot dog for at least six weeks.

3. Alcoholism: True I didn’t consume to excess, but I consumed nonetheless.

4. Greed/gluttony: Did I need to eat until I felt like I was going to puke? Hey, it’s a holiday! The founding fathers (Is that supposed to be capitalized? Sue me.) fought for these rights (Interesting side note: Patrick Henry, who proclaimed “Give me Liberty or give me death!” received six slaves as a wedding gift in 1754. His wife also went crazy around the time he made the speech, and he confined her to a basement room. He wasn’t fond of liberty for others.)

5. Explosives: Fireworks.

6. Stupidity: Snakes and bottle rockets “launched” from the ground.

That about sums it up. All in all, it was a pretty rad Fourth of July.

Now I’m going to cry into my pillow because I used the word rad.