Cali 1.0 (with link to video)

A man who truly has it going on.

#ScottTheMover
#GoPro

#heaskedifiwasjewish

Well, the plan was that when I got to Cali, my fingers would be blazing left and right over the keyboard, and I would be writing new, compelling, hilarious material every day.

That hasn’t exactly happened, but I figured I would write something, anything, today,

To get everyone caught up, I got to Torrance, Calif., last Tuesday. I think it was Aug. 9, but I’m not positive.

Anyhow, I’ve been applying for some writing jobs, and writing some skits and shorts, but to make money until I get a writing job, or until I stumble upon the California dream of fame, fortune, women and drowning in my own vomit, I have been working for a moving company.

Manual labor, or blue-collar work, whatever you want to call it, sucks. My bougie ass was quite comfortable sitting behind a desk pounding away the keys for hours, and now I’m getting up early and lifting heavy furniture and other shit all day. But we get paid at the end of each work day, and I get to work with my good friends Jason Fritz (aka Uncle Jay aka Juicy J aka Juice aka Jason Beatty) and Ryan Hodorovich (aka Uncle Ry aka Rye Bread aka Hcivorodoh Nayr aka Germ 2.0), so it’s all good.

Not to mention the guy who owns the company, #ScottTheMover, is probably the biggest character in So Cal. I mean that figuratively and semi-literally. 

The job has allowed me to ride along the PCH through Laguna Beach and see other sweet stuff, too. Which is cool.

If you’re wondering about some weird or funny stuff that I’ve been up to, here goes. Yesterday, I was shopping in Santa Monica, when three people — a man who appeared Hasidic who was accompanied by a young Hebrew and Shebrew I could only assume were his kids — approached me. The father, or “Ab” in Hebrew asked me “Excuse me, are you Jewish?”

I couldn’t help but smirk a little as I said no.  #heaskedifiwasjewish

Yesterday, we also made an impromptu little spot using only a #GoPro camera. I suggest you do some research on these badass little toys. They are simple to use and capture amazing footage. Oh yeah, they are durable as hell, too. Here’s a link to the video titled "Ciggritts."

There was also a fun little excursion the second day I was here when I went to pick up lunch at a place called Sushi Boy. (Say it like a Sensei, it’s fun.) I entered the restaurant, and a young Asian man whose nametag read Kobayashi (I’m not making that up.) took my order. Soon after taking my order, he picked up a bottle of cleaner and a rag and began to clean the stainless steel behind the counter.

That’s when the Mexicans took over. Not only did a Mexican cook my order, but another one handed me the food. This sparked a new theory I’m promoting —

Mexicans in the Los Angeles area are so great in number and power, they now have the ability to use racial exploitation — a power once reserved for whites.

So am I working on anything funny in particular? 

I found a neat little ad on Craigs List asking for writers to submit funny, 1-2 minute short scripts to be animated. It requested that the scripts be based on pertinent subjects. Writers whose scripts are used are paid $200-$500, and they may be offered a job to write more. I am working on a script based on Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay camps.”

In case you’re not up on things, Marcus is the husband of Michelle Bachmann, who is attempting to become the country’s first female Minnesotan Bat-shit crazy, autistic-child-soul-devouring president.

By the way, Marcus Bachmann is gay as a leprechaun wearing pink near a pot of assholes at the end of a rainbow. I don’t know if that analogy makes sense, but he’s pretty fuckin’ queer.

Well, besides the fact that I have been jotting down standup bits here and there and trying to find some open mic nights, that’s about all I’ve been up to. I haven’t done much sightseeing, but there will be plenty of time for that. 

I miss my people back in Michigan, especially when I am driving. (All the rumors you hear about Cali traffic are true. But the amount of traffic isn’t necessarily the bad part. It’s all the idiots in that traffic.) But I'll see you all soon. 

D UP!