This Week in America Today, Jan. 24

We cover a range of topics, and recognize January as Self-defense Awareness Month.

Unnamed players tell unnamed source Peyton Manning unhappy

INDIANAPOLIS — An employee of the Indianapolis Colts organization said several players on the team disclosed to him that quarterback Peyton Manning is upset with news of the Colts’ plans to draft Andrew Luck.

“A player who wished to remain anonymous told me Peyton threw a bit of a tantrum,” said the employee who wished to remain anonymous. “This player, and I can’t tell you who he is, said Peyton was shouting ‘Shoot dang! Y’all are tryin’ ta run me outta town!’”

He added that other players shared similar stories.

“A different player … and I’ll give you a clue, it wasn’t Jeff Saturday, said Peyton was even crying at one point, saying ‘I’ll show them. I’ll make more commercials than ever’ between sobs,” the employee, who is not Colts GM Ryan Grigson said.

The unnamed source, who agreed to an interview on the condition his identity not be made public, said some offensive players told him they could feel Manning’s pain.

“I mean, he’s done so much for the franchise,” an unidentified player said in an e-mail that was forwarded to Tim Barnum Comedy from the anonymous employee. “Sure he’s getting old, but do we want to release him into the world now? What if he gets lost? I know I’ll sure feel bad.”

A second-string special teams player, who offered to speak on the record, but was practically anonymous anyways, said he hopes this means a new beginning for Indianapolis.

“Peyton sucks. Stick a fork in him, he’s done,” the second-stringer said. “Can you please use my name? It might get me some publicity. Please? Come on, dude. I’ll take anything I can get.”

No attempts were made to reach any other sources for on-the-record statements.

This Week in America Today

 A new weekly news broadcast hosted, written, directed and edited by your truly. Enjoy

Cleveland man says he’d play for free, in intensive care after getting a chance

CLEVELAND — Documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act show that 46-year-old Harold Davidson is still recovering from injuries sustained from Cleveland Browns training camp after management took him up on his offer to “play for free.”


“He kept sending me e-mails saying things like ‘Peyton Hillis sucks’ and ‘I could tackle better than D’Qwell Jackson,’” said Brown General Manager Tom Heckert. “But his continual claims to give him a shot because he would ‘play for free’ are what really attracted me, you know, with the current economy.”


Davidson’s friends said they were surprised he got the chance. 


“He hadn’t really played organized since his senior year in high school,” said Davidson’s long time friend Mark Thompson. “I mean, he would sometimes get ultra competitive when he’d play catch with his kids and stuff, but I never really considered him pro material.”


Davidson, who is 5’10 and 250 pounds, was not big enough to play offensive or defensive line, fast enough to play running back or wide receiver, not smart enough to play quarterback, and too weak to play linebacker, according to Browns coach Pat Shurmur.


“I wasn’t sure where he’d fit in,” Shurmur said. “But hearing him talk, you’d think he was a first-round draft pick fresh out of college. He definitely had the confidence.”


He added that Davidson showed up to the first day of training camp saying things like “Hey McCoy, you’re a bitch!” to quarterback Colt McCoy and “You can’t stop me fucker!” to left tackle Joe Thomas.


“His heart can’t be questioned,” Thomas said. “However, when he got a nosebleed hitting a tackling dummy and pulled a hamstring during warm-ups, I could tell something was up.”


Defensive coordinator Dick Jauron said Davidson insisted he was alright, despite limping humorously and being clearly outmatched.


“He worked in on D-line when we started hitting, but his damn nose just wouldn’t stop bleeding, and his hammy issue was really slowing him down,” Jauron said. “After the first few times he was slammed by offensive linemen, he kept screaming ‘You ever heard of Rudy you pussies? Is that all you got?’ But that only made the offensive linemen angrier.”


Team trainers reported Davidson wheezing heavily between snaps, but said he continued to refuse assistance. They said Davidson kept saying “I’m not like these prima donnas.”


“His resolve can’t be questioned,” Shurmur said. “But there comes a time when you have to realize that just because your team made it to the high school playoffs and you made yourself good on Madden, doesn’t mean you can play in the NFL.”


Davidson finally allowed trainers to remove himself from the field of play after losing consciousness following a tackle attempt on Peyton Hillis, which saw Davidson get plowed over into the ground.


While he remains hospitalized several months after the injuries, Davidson is not giving up on life in the NFL — but his dream may come in a different capacity.


“My playing days may be behind me,” Davidson said. “But I’m coming for Shurmur’s job. He fuckin’ sucks.”


“Shit,” he added. “I’d coach for free.”


Heckert said he is considering Davidson’s offer.

Coleman snaps awake from bad dream, signals Green Bay ball

LITTLE ROCK, ARK. — NFL referee Walt Coleman called a Lions fumble Wednesday, Jan. 4 when he suddenly snapped awake due to a nightmare where he was falling from an airplane.

“Wally has been acting strange lately,” said Coleman’s wife. “Ever since that Lions-Packers game on New Year’s Day, he hasn’t been right.”

Coleman, the man who originally burst onto the controversy scene with the Tuck Rule call in 2002, has received much criticism for his crew’s performance during the Detroit and Green Bay season finale. Close friends, who asked to remain anonymous, said Coleman has been muttering “Incomplete pass” to himself ever since the conclusion of the week 17 game.

“When he called the tuck rule about 10 years ago, he had similar symptoms,” said his neighbor, Pat, adding that he is an Indianapolis fan, who has yet to forgive Coleman for “horrible calls in a 98 game where the Colts lost because of two bullshit penalties Coleman called on end zone interceptions.”

According to Coleman’s wife, the bad dream that resulted in ruling in favor of the Packers followed two nights that saw Coleman waking in the middle of the night several times and throwing a yellow flag.

“He keeps waking up, throwing a flag and saying things like ‘Pass interference — offense,’” she said.

She added she is concerned the bad calls on the Lions may have finally pushed Coleman over the brink of madness, but did want to compliment Lions’ fans on how they have reacted.

“I know they aren’t happy,” she said. “But it was worse 10 years ago, when shady-looking men dressed in outlandish black and silver costumes with their face painted drove by on motorcycles and stopped in front of our house to make a throat-slicing gesture.”

Sources who live near the Coleman residence said since the end of the Lions-Packers game, the Lions had coughed up four fumbles and accumulated 120 penalty yards.

Roger Gooddell could not be reached for comment. League officials said he is on vacation, where he spends his time training a group of men dressed in identical uniforms to march and raise their hands upward in a 45-degree angle in unison.

Finding Big Foot in less than two minutes

 June 12 I wrote a blog about the Animal Planet series Finding Bigfoot.

I also watched the whole first season, although I knew two things about the show:

1. The “researchers” on the show were complete tools… and idiots.

2. They wouldn’t find Big Foot.

Of course, because these creatures are out there (sure) according to Matt Moneymaker, the show returned this Sunday — January 1 (new year, same dumb shit on TV).

To save you some time, I decided to make a video of me looking for a sasquatch. Now, you won’t have to bother watching a whole season of four assholes trekking through the woods doing “Big Foot calls.” You can watch me doing them in the video, though. Enjoy.