SPECIAL REPORT: Penis questions nearly caused Romney to pull out

Campaign considered releasing dick pic

During a C-SPAN segment where callers can ask question to politicians and party representatives live on the air, a series of inquiries regarding Mitt Romney’s penis size nearly forced the now presumptive nominee to pull out of the GOP race.

The calls, which were made in January leading up to the New Hampshire Republican primary, caught the campaign with its pants down, according to Romney advisors.

“Alleged flip-flops, questions regarding our candidate’s conservative beliefs, and accusations of Mitt being out-of-touch due to his wealth — all that we were ready for,” said Romney advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, who is best known for his Etch A Sketch comment. “But penis issues… well that was one area Governor Romney where had not been vetted.”

Campaign Manager Matt Rhoads said the penetrating calls created several long, hard nights for he and his staff.

“I was constantly on the phone with Mitt, while simultaneously trying to run damage control,” he said. “Mr. Romney wanted to know if he should make an announcement, the press wanted answers and the RNC wanted assurance that it wouldn’t be throwing money at a ‘loser with a tiny dong’ come fall if we won the nomination.”

Senior Advisor Bob Wickers admitted the Romney team was not as transparent on the penis issue as other campaigns when the controversy, now known as “Dick Gate," surfaced.

“We should’ve talked about this back in 2010, when we started this campaign,” he said. “But we were so busy kissing the tea party’s ass — and God knows a big penis is a bad thing to the tea party, which usually associates them with black people — that we skipped over the issue entirely.”

Exit polls taken after Dick Gate first surfaced shoed voters indeed knew less about Romney’s penis than the other candidates. Voters ranked penis recognition as follows, with the common answers shown in parentheses:

1. Rick Santorum (in a chastity belt)

2. Herman Cain (swinging all over the place)

3. Newt Gingrich (gets sick of being in the same place a long time)

4. Ron Paul (needs Viagra)

5. Rick Perry (doesn’t understand how sex works yet)

6. Michelle Bachmann (N/A)

7. Mitt Romney (think he has one, but that’s all I know).

According to Rhoads, the campaign weighed a dick pic press release, but worried that could offend conservative Christian voters. He added the campaign was also unsure of the proper techniques of taking dick pics.

“Mitt says his wife tells him it’s a ‘nice size,’ and we were going to make that our official statement,” Rhoads said. “But we knew that wouldn’t be enough for voters. Some time sooner or later, we knew we’d have to take a stand on an issue and not say the complete opposite the next day.”

Wickers said after it seemed there were no answers, the former Governor considered suspending his campaign.

“Yeah, no pun intended, but he thought Dick Gate had really screwed him,” he said. “It looked like this whole thing was going to blow prematurely.”

However Romney, showing his political savvy, finally came through in the end, Fehrnstrom said.

“One night after Mitt attended a traditional Mormon post-mortem baptism, he got drunk as hell,” he said. “The press pool was on the bus and Governor Romney just barged in, whipped down his pants and shouted ‘There you go everybody! Here’s my dick!’”

All photos taken of Romney’s penis were allegedly destroyed, but some insight into the issue has been made available. Reporters following Romney told the Bulletin it was “About what you’d expect form Mitt Romney — nothing spectacular, pretty boring and vanilla, easily forgettable.”

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