Clip of first show

This video shows my closing bit during my first standup routine at the Tumbleweed Cantina's Free Comedy Night Wednesday, June 29.

Keep in mind that the camera adds 100 pounds. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Apparently, I talk waaaayyy to dirty, as well. I have clean bits, and should probably clean up some of my others. You'll see what I mean.

Anyway, watch and enjoy. There isn't the raucous laughter I was hoping for, but the place wasn't exactly packed with people there for the comedy. It was still fun, though, and I got some feedback from some other comedy folks there. I had a blast.

I'll be doing a little stand up in West Branch during Fabulous Fridays The Gong Show July 8.

Yes, it will be curse word-free. I swear.

Get it?

When bad stops being funny

#hotresort

I can’t be the only person who enjoys watching those corny 80s movies like the Mark Harmon as a cool guy vehicle-“Summer School” or the cheesy dance flick “Breakin’.”

These movies are generally bad. But they offer a couple of laughable one-liners. Plus, the “badness” of the films also adds to the level of humor.

Am I making sense so far?

Anyway, I stumbled across one last night that sounded like it fit the mold of the “so bad it’s funny” 80s movie — Hot Resort.

The info described it as a slobs versus snobs comedy (think “Animal House” or “Revenge of the Nerds”) set on an island resort. The slobs in the film were the crew of hotel workers, who were all at the resort to earn money for college. The snobs were a collegiate rowing crew that, for some ungodly reason, was sailed to an island to shoot a soup commercial.

I don’t want to sound like a sarcastic prick here, but why would a commercial have to be shot at an island? Couldn’t they have shot this in any body of water?

In the movie, some New Yorker named Marty Sullivan, played by an actor I never heard of, led the slobs. The crew included a New Yorker named Brad, played by Bronson Pinchot — Balki from “Perfect Strangers.” A third member that I recognized was the token fatty, Chuck, who was played by the fat guy from “Head of the Class.”

I had to use IMDB for the last one.

The fourth and final slob was the token nerd. Other hotel workers, none of whom had a speaking role or any development to their characters, joined them.

The snobs were the typical 80s frat-house douches who talked with one of those high-class accents made famous by Grey Poupon commercials.

Of course, there were plenty of ladies at the resort. Wouldn’t you know the slobs and snobs were all after the same ones?

Some other characters that should be mentioned are the big, military-style black guy who was apparently hired just to whip the resort crew into shape and keep them out of trouble; and Stephen Stucker — the gay, wisecracking hotel assistant, who portrays the same gay, wisecracking dude in “Airplane.”

He was basically the same exact character, and like in “Airplane,” did supply some legitimate laughs.

Oh yeah, Frank Gorshin also has a few cameos. One is kind of funny. He tells the chubby guy how to hit on some hot chick at the pool. I don’t want to go into too much detail. His advice, and the slob putting it into use, does garner some laughter.

But the generic storyline and predictable ending (the slobs have to row off against the snobs for the commercial, and win because the snobs’ boat sinks) aren’t what made the movie bad.

It’s the fact that whoever made this pile of shit didn’t go through the fuckin’ trouble to MAKE SURE THE DAMN BOOM MIC WAS OUT OF THE SHOTS!

Seriously, there are a few scenes that I can clearly remember seeing it plain as day. For instance, one of the rowing guys is in a hotel room next to one of the girls being pursued by all parties. He and one of the girls — Liza French — are leaning over the railing and speaking to each other.

The mic is visible between the two of them for like 30 seconds straight while they converse. Then, after a couple of close-ups, we come back to the shot of both of them, AND IT’S STILL THERE!

It’s one thing to totally mock the whole filmmaking process a la Mel Brooks with Blazing Saddles, but it’s quite another thing to say you’re making a movie that’s not meant to be a spoof, and just let the mic dangle on screen.

There’s another scene where the big black guy is speaking with his boss, the hotel manager or owner (I’m not sure what he was, I just know he was in charge), and again, right above his head, there’s the friggin’ mic. It happens at other times, but these are the instances where I remember it the most vividly.

Now, was this movie worth having re-shoots for these scenes? I don’t know. In the grand scheme of things, it still would’ve been pretty bad. But perhaps it would’ve been so bad it was funny.

Besides the whole microphone on screen issue, there were some other parts that seemed ripe for comedy that totally whiffed. For instance, there’s the awkward moment where the snobs arrive and the slobs have to carry their bags up to their rooms. It’s not long before the slobs start hoisting their bags off the second story. But any witty dialogue or smart physical comedy is missing at this point.

Instead, it’s a bunch of “Oh yeah? Watch this” and “Hey, you can’t do that.” It’s just a bunch of yelling over one another.

The same thing happens when our cast of troublemakers meets the big black guy playing their supervisor. He yells, and they all yell. It’s just a lot of talking over one another.

You would expect at least one cast member to be scripted with some witty lines, such as the case whenever this scenario happens in any military comedy with an intense drill instructor.

But nope. Not in “Hot Resort.” Even some parts that seemed like they were at least loosely organized and written for laughs come up short.

We find out late in the movie that Chuck, the fat guy, has been banging pretty much every woman on staff. Before this, we do see him hook up with a black cleaning lady, who acts as though she needs some help and rips off all her clothes when his back is turned.

I don’t know if it sounded funny when I just typed it up there, but in the film, it just didn’t come off as funny.

We also have a couple hooking up in a VW Beetle, when the guy throws his back out. Apparently, this is supposed to be the same couple that we see earlier in the movie having sex in a limo and in a boat. However, I had no idea it was them, until she says something to him along the lines of “Do you think you can go one more time before the wrecker gets here?” (The top of the car had to be torn off and a crane airlifted the guy out. Again, not as funny as it should’ve been.)

The biggest problem with this whole movie is that it was like 20 minutes into it, the director or producer realized “Wow. This movie is shit” and decided they wouldn’t even try anymore. Whoever was calling the shots was like “Fuck it. We have to sit through this train wreck, so let’s just go ahead and ruin for the few people who might actually find it entertaining, too."

Which is the reason it went from being “so bad it’s funny” to just plain bad. Real bad. We’re talking a shit sandwich here.

But, while “Hot Resort” was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen (I texted my friend Colin “I think im watching the worst movie ever made” during it), I am still thankful for the experience.

Because at the end of the day, I learned something.

People in the 80s thought some dumb shit was entertaining. A movie can be so bad it’s not funny.

And I devoted about 90 minutes to watching it and another 30 blogging about it.

Somehow, I feel like the loser in this situation.

Directions to the Cantina

A lot of you have been asking me about my show Wednesday, June 29 at the Tumbleweed Cantina in Corunna. Many people have said they want to go, but aren't sure how to get the the TWC. Here is a detailed map. The roads are I-75 and M-21. Good luck finding your way.

Yes. I'm a smartass. But seriously, I hope to see many of my friends at the TWC as I make my standup debut during the bar's comedy night. I am excited and a little nervous, but also ready.

Look for video soon after the performance. I'll be going on for 10 minutes.

Interview with my mom

#magnum40
What took me so long to update my blog?
Well, I was working on this:

It's an interview with my mom about the state of education in Michigan. No laughing matter... or is it?


This was my first go-round with iMovie 4, and it sucked. A couple of things — I know the editing is shoddy. Big deal. I also know that the camera is shaky at parts. Who cares? Also, there was a second camera, but we couldn't use any of the footage off of it. It was too dark. And the laughing you hear in the back is my dad.


Rough? Yes. But it's still funny. Enjoy.

A blogworthy television experience 2.0

Finding Bigfoot

#stagingabigfootsighting      #squatch

I wouldn’t say I’m hooked on Animal Planet, but after watching “My Cat From Hell,” I figured I just couldn’t miss “Finding Bigfoot.”

The show is pretty simple. Four “experts” in a group known as the Bigfoot Field Research Organization go to places where a Sasquatch has been “seen” and investigate, trying to find “proof” of sightings, or the Bigfoot itself. (Three sarcastic quotation marks in one sentence? Yup.)

The team consists of Matt Moneymaker, Bobo, Ranae and Cliff.

Moneymaker, with his balleriffic name, is the leader. He also seems to be the easiest one to convince that a real Sasquatch sighting occurred. I bet that if I wore a gorilla mask through downtown Standish at night and someone saw me, he would tell them that he thinks they saw a Bigfoot.

I might try that actually. #stagingabigfootsighting

Matt’s claim to fame in the world of Bigfooting is that he was the first person to discover that sasquatches knock on trees to respond to a call. (This, apparently, is pretty controversial. If you visit the show’s website page where it describes The Team, you can see the Facebook RSS feed. A lot of people call Moneymaker out on it, and claim that the “knocking theory” is common knowledge)*

* If your show is about trying to prove the existence of a creature that probably 85 percent of the world doesn’t believe in, you shouldn’t show what people say on Facebook about it right on the show’s website. 

Bobo is pretty much a Bigfoot himself. He also serves as the comedy relief for the show. Which backs up my theory that really tall, overweight, ogre-ish people with long hair and low voices are never really taken seriously, even if they could snap a grown man in two like a twig, unless they happen to be Andre the Giant or the Big Show. (I know the Big Show is bald now wrestling fanatics, calm down.)

Cliff is the heartthrob, ladies’ man, closest thing to normal looking on the team when it comes to the three guys. I don’t think I’ve seen him in two episodes without shades on. He’s pretty cool, you know, besides the whole “dedicated his life to finding Sasquatch” thing.

Last but not least is the token female/token skeptic — Ranae.

Here’s where I kind of get lost. If someone doesn’t believe in Bigfoot, why would they be in the Bigfoot Field Research Organization?  My guess is that the producers and creators hired Ranae to provide a little bit of credibility. Of course, while the rest of world sees Ranae as realistic and credible, the BFRO sees her as a pessimistic bitch. Reality is a strange place for those of us living here.**

** This phrase was unofficially trademarked by me in a column published in Northern Michigan in October 2010. Take a look. It’s funny. 

During the episodes, we get inundated with sasquatch knowledge — we hear calls (Bobo, Cliff and Matt screaming and bellowing loudly), we see all the fancy equipment needed to hunt Bigfoot (infrared scanners and night vision cameras probably have no greater purpose in the world, right?), we hear from eyewitnesses (I could’ve used more quotation marks around “eyewitnesses”) and or course, we get in on the lingo.

Just today, while watching the second episode On Demand, I learned that sasqueetch (I just made that up as the plural for sasquatch) in Florida are known as Skunk Apes because they smell like shit. I also learned that insiders commonly call a Sasquatch a “squatch.” (Another unpopular topic on the Facebook feed that IS LITERALLY ON THE SHOW’S PROMOTIONAL WEBSITE, SO ANYONE CAN SEE HOW MUCH SHIT IS BEING TALKED ABOUT THIS SHOW!)

In all seriousness, though, the word squatch is awesome. #squatch

As you would probably expect, there has been no official, on-camera Bigfoot sighting on “Finding Bigfoot” in the first two episodes. I’m betting that this will be the case all season.

But I’ll be watching. Just in case. 

Midweek rantings

The ugliness of the NBA finals
#lebronshairlinethemesong
#marionjumper

Is it me, or have these been some of the ugliest NBA finals in recent memory?

I’m not talking about fouls, missed three-pointers, turnovers or the overall lack of scoring.

I’m talking about the actual people playing the game. Now, I don’t consider myself any sort of sex symbol (What’s that? You do? C’mon, you’re too sweet. I know, I know. Thank you.), but lets take a quick rundown of the rosters.

Not the full rosters, just the ugly people.

We’ll start with Miami. And when you start with the Heat, you might as well start at the top.

1. LeBron James — Now the king may have a muscular physique, and at first glance, looks, well, non-ugly. But look closer. See how he wears his headband? It looks very high up on his head in the front, right?

That’s because he has a receding hairline from hell. LBJ’s about three years away from a natural three-stripe mohawk. Interestingly enough, earlier today on twitter, a trending topic was #lebronshairlinethemesong. Some of the notables were “Lean Back” by Fat Joe, “So Far Gone” by Drake and “Top Back” by T.I.

Enough, though, there’s plenty of hideousness left to talk about.

2. Zydrunas Ilgauskas — Big Z has an ailment that curses most foreign players. He’s foreign. And looks different. And by different, I mean ugly. Give him another three inches, a goatee and flattop and we’re talking George Muresan-ugly. (I don’t care if spelled his name wrong. He made “My Giant” with Billy Crystal, so he got more than he should have.)

But Z doesn’t have the Muresan facial or scalp carpet. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he’s completely hairless.

3. Udonis Haslem — I swear, sometimes, I think I’m the only one who sees this, but when dudes rock the cornrows back really tight, and match it with a goatee in which you can’t see the chin hair, they look like a catfish. Anyone else? Look at Haslem again. Pretend he has gills.

4. Eddie House — Gotta be honest here. Just can’t stand him. He’s one of those guys who gets on the court and something clicks in his head that says “You’re the best player out here. … Take every shot. Shoot a three Eddie! … Argue with that call. You are a superstar! … Talk trash. You deserve it Eddie.”

Thankfully, he has been absent for most (maybe all) of the finals.

5. Mike Bibby — Again, maybe it’s just me, but Mike Bibby looks like an overgrown version of Mini-me. Not a miniature me, the Mini-me from “Austin Powers.” Look up a picture. You’ll see what I mean.

Alright this is dragging on way too long, so let’s go to Dallas. Like with Miami, we must start at the top.

1. Dirk Nowiztki — Dirk doesn’t have the same problem as Big Z. He’s not ugly because he’s foreign. He’s ugly because he looks like Skeletor. Also, I don’t know if it’s his mouthpiece that does it, or is he has a weird lip curl, but Dirk looks like he’s got some monster beaver-ass buckteeth.

At least at the moment, he is smartly rocking the long hair, which covers up some of the bony features on his face.

2. Rick Carlisle — Dude looks EXACTLY like Jim Carrey. When I say Jim Carrey, I mean Fire Marshall Bill.

LET ME SHOW YA SUMTHIN!

3. Shawn Marion — Since we’re talking about ugliness, insert joke about his jumper (#marionjumper).

But that’s not all we have to talk about. Marion has a face for radio… radio in Mars. He looks a lot like that alien named Ed in that movie by the same name. Unless he’s hanging around with wisecracking Brits, I really could do without watching his “out of this world” (in a bad way) game.

4. DeShawn Stevenson — Remember that stuff I said about Eddie House? Put a fro-hawk on it and make him the type of player that you see at the gym or playground that makes you whisper “Shit. So and so is here. I hope he doesn’t see us. Fuck! Here he comes. He wants to play.”

5. Jason Kidd — Hall of famer? Yes. Great point guard who continues to adjust to stay relevant? Yes. Cross-eyed?

Hell mutha-f’ing yes!

OK, I think I’ve made my point — I can make fun of people. But let’s not forget some of the others playing for the trophy — Chris Bosh, Brian Cardinal, to name a few.

And no matter who you are rooting for, a word of advice — this may be one series best viewed in standard def.

I thought I had other rantings, but this was just waaaaayyy tooooo long.

A blogworthy television experience

and something to watch when nothing is on

#catfromhell 

#jacksongalaxy

#gangstapussies

Saturday was like many other of my weekend days — relaxing, wasting time, just hanging out.

During my drug infused daze, drunkenness, … I mean… free time, I came across a show on Animal Planet titled “My Cat From Hell.”

Before discussing the show, we must first discuss its host. He calls himself Jackson Galaxy. And he loves kitties. No matter how sneaky, murderous or fatally dangerous, Jackson loves Kitties.

Just in case you’re wondering, no, not as much as Bubbles from “Trailer Park Boys.”

His appearances on the show always begin with a shot of his Guy Fieri-esque convertible, followed by close-ups of him firin’ her up and shifting it into gear. Galaxy takes off with the wind blowing through his hair  over his bald head, eyes bespectacled by bright green-framed sunglasses. He soon arrives at his location rocking full sleeve tats on both arms and swinging a 5-inch goatee-mutton chop sideburn combo.

What the hell, just go to the show’s website and see what he looks like for yourself in this video where he teaches how to properly pet a cat. Open up the link in a new window, and then return so we can continue our discussion.

Pretty funny, right? Maybe next time you will use proper petting technique.

Anyhow, Jackson visits people who have “cats from hell.” These are the real stars of the show. The clips of these adorable fur balls provide plenty of laughs. From the kitty being cradled who latches on to his owner’s arm, to the precious pussy (let’s take a moment to appreciate how clean this blog has been, and laugh at that last word) who puts the man of the house in the hospital with a carved up arm swollen to twice its normal size, these cats are gangsta.

Which is why Jackson comes to the rescue in his chromed our chariot.

Spoiler alert: Every time Jackson shows up, we see a clip of the cat owners saying something along the lines of  “Jackson definitely looks nothing like I expected.”

He also walks into the home carrying a guitar case, which contains his cat shit — toys, notebooks, food, treats, actual cat shit.

I have only seen about two and a half episodes, but yes, I have seen him get mauled. It was the best part of the series.

The rest is pretty predictable. The owners figure out what they have been doing wrong, why the cat is acting like it is; we all learn about cat’s feelings and behaviors a little — you know, gay stuff.

So what do we do with “My Cat From Hell?” I can’t see any other option than to start hash tags on twitter such as #catfromhell, #jacksongalaxy or even #gangstapussies, and try to get people to say more funny things about this show. In a digital world continuing to shove cute kittens doing nothing in our faces and calling it funny, I think it’s time to give some love to the cats from hell.

Because they’re still cute cuddly kittens in God’s and Galaxy’s eyes.