Midweek rantings

The ugliness of the NBA finals
#lebronshairlinethemesong
#marionjumper

Is it me, or have these been some of the ugliest NBA finals in recent memory?

I’m not talking about fouls, missed three-pointers, turnovers or the overall lack of scoring.

I’m talking about the actual people playing the game. Now, I don’t consider myself any sort of sex symbol (What’s that? You do? C’mon, you’re too sweet. I know, I know. Thank you.), but lets take a quick rundown of the rosters.

Not the full rosters, just the ugly people.

We’ll start with Miami. And when you start with the Heat, you might as well start at the top.

1. LeBron James — Now the king may have a muscular physique, and at first glance, looks, well, non-ugly. But look closer. See how he wears his headband? It looks very high up on his head in the front, right?

That’s because he has a receding hairline from hell. LBJ’s about three years away from a natural three-stripe mohawk. Interestingly enough, earlier today on twitter, a trending topic was #lebronshairlinethemesong. Some of the notables were “Lean Back” by Fat Joe, “So Far Gone” by Drake and “Top Back” by T.I.

Enough, though, there’s plenty of hideousness left to talk about.

2. Zydrunas Ilgauskas — Big Z has an ailment that curses most foreign players. He’s foreign. And looks different. And by different, I mean ugly. Give him another three inches, a goatee and flattop and we’re talking George Muresan-ugly. (I don’t care if spelled his name wrong. He made “My Giant” with Billy Crystal, so he got more than he should have.)

But Z doesn’t have the Muresan facial or scalp carpet. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he’s completely hairless.

3. Udonis Haslem — I swear, sometimes, I think I’m the only one who sees this, but when dudes rock the cornrows back really tight, and match it with a goatee in which you can’t see the chin hair, they look like a catfish. Anyone else? Look at Haslem again. Pretend he has gills.

4. Eddie House — Gotta be honest here. Just can’t stand him. He’s one of those guys who gets on the court and something clicks in his head that says “You’re the best player out here. … Take every shot. Shoot a three Eddie! … Argue with that call. You are a superstar! … Talk trash. You deserve it Eddie.”

Thankfully, he has been absent for most (maybe all) of the finals.

5. Mike Bibby — Again, maybe it’s just me, but Mike Bibby looks like an overgrown version of Mini-me. Not a miniature me, the Mini-me from “Austin Powers.” Look up a picture. You’ll see what I mean.

Alright this is dragging on way too long, so let’s go to Dallas. Like with Miami, we must start at the top.

1. Dirk Nowiztki — Dirk doesn’t have the same problem as Big Z. He’s not ugly because he’s foreign. He’s ugly because he looks like Skeletor. Also, I don’t know if it’s his mouthpiece that does it, or is he has a weird lip curl, but Dirk looks like he’s got some monster beaver-ass buckteeth.

At least at the moment, he is smartly rocking the long hair, which covers up some of the bony features on his face.

2. Rick Carlisle — Dude looks EXACTLY like Jim Carrey. When I say Jim Carrey, I mean Fire Marshall Bill.

LET ME SHOW YA SUMTHIN!

3. Shawn Marion — Since we’re talking about ugliness, insert joke about his jumper (#marionjumper).

But that’s not all we have to talk about. Marion has a face for radio… radio in Mars. He looks a lot like that alien named Ed in that movie by the same name. Unless he’s hanging around with wisecracking Brits, I really could do without watching his “out of this world” (in a bad way) game.

4. DeShawn Stevenson — Remember that stuff I said about Eddie House? Put a fro-hawk on it and make him the type of player that you see at the gym or playground that makes you whisper “Shit. So and so is here. I hope he doesn’t see us. Fuck! Here he comes. He wants to play.”

5. Jason Kidd — Hall of famer? Yes. Great point guard who continues to adjust to stay relevant? Yes. Cross-eyed?

Hell mutha-f’ing yes!

OK, I think I’ve made my point — I can make fun of people. But let’s not forget some of the others playing for the trophy — Chris Bosh, Brian Cardinal, to name a few.

And no matter who you are rooting for, a word of advice — this may be one series best viewed in standard def.

I thought I had other rantings, but this was just waaaaayyy tooooo long.