Around the Big Top UNCENSORED

Everyone can finally stop whining

(I was told this column was too scathing for print, and that I should water it down. I did. Then I saved the original, added a few swear words, even more insults, and voila!)

Thanksgiving is over and I, for one, am relieved. Now I don’t have to listen to everybody bitch about Christmas songs being played before Thanksgiving.

To the folks, and I know there are a lot of them, who have been complaining about Christmas songs being played, I have a challenge — name me 10 Thanksgiving songs.
   
Done? How many did you get to? Zero? Me too. (And you can’t count a stupid song written by a teacher for a Thanksgiving program in their classroom.)
   
Let’s do the same for Christmas. A lot easier, right?
   
OK, I am no fan of Christmas music being played while children are out trick-or-treating, either.
   
However, if I were to complain about it, I would at least make sure my complaints were original, funny and clever. It seems many Christmas music whiners are just unintelligent mouth breathers secretly waiting with baited breath for those first jingle bells to hit their eardrums. That way, they can be the first one on Facebook to post “Heard Xmas music today! AAHHHH! It’s too early! AAAHHHHH! What about Thanksgiving? AAHHHH!”
   
So, let’s break down this conundrum really quick.
   
Thanksgiving is supposedly a celebration of Pilgrims and Native Americans feasting together in harmony. Who were the Pilgrims? Well, they were Christians seeking religious freedom. And Christians, as we all know, worship Jesus. Christmas honors the birth of … wait for it … Jesus! No Christmas means no Thanksgiving.
   
I doubt Jesus was up in Heaven complaining about Thanksgiving interrupting the lead up to a holiday honoring him. I’m sure he understood. He probably even turned the other cheek.  

Let’s compare the arrival of the Pilgrims with the arrival of Jesus. One brought the good news of salvation and offered himself up for the sins of others. One brought small pox. One marked new beginnings for natives of all lands. One marked the beginning of the end for natives of this land.
   
Look at it from a more secular point of view. We celebrate Thanksgiving by shoveling food down our gullets surrounded by our loved ones. We celebrate Christmas by opening presents, followed by shoveling food down our gullets surrounded by our loved ones.
   
Since Christmas is around the corner, and I’m in a giving mood, I’ll help out the Christmas music whiners for next year. That’s right. I have written a Thanksgiving song.
   
Unfortunately, all the good melodies have already been taken by Christmas songs, so I had to borrow one. This should be sung to the melody of “Deck the Halls”:
   
Line your arteries with gravy
Fa la la la la, la la la laaa
Relatives driving you crazy
Fa la la la la, la la la laaa 
Eating turkey, til you pass out   
Fa la la, la la la, la laaaaa   
That third piece of pie I could’ve done without    
Fa la la la la, la la la laaa.

There you go. Next year, when Thanksgiving is approaching, and you are sick of hearing Christmas tunes too early, now you have a legit complaint. Call up a radio station and tell them you want to hear “Line your Arteries” instead of “Deck the Halls.”
   
But remember, since there is now only one Thanksgiving song, you will hear it roughly 173,820 times before Thanksgiving.
   
So what is the moral of this column? Stop fuckin' whining if you're not funny (had to get at least one f-bomb in here. It's what I'm good at).

Also, Christmas is better than Thanksgiving.
   
   
   

10 Things Republicans Like More Than Health Care

Photo courtesy of Gov. Christie's site. See number 6.

#GOPFoodPyramid

In light of all the Republican presidential candidates hitting the airwaves with their “wisdom” and promises for a better America, I figured I would put together a useful little voters’ guide. Hopefully, this helps you make your decision when you head to the polls for the primary, or next November.

The basis is simple. It’s just a list of 10 things that the Republican candidates like more than health care. When I say health care, I am talking about the Affordable Care Act of 2010 (or was it 2009? I honestly have no more short term memory any more). At its core, these are things more important to Republicans than a child with a preexisting condition such as asthma being able to treat his or her symptom.

Although the list is ordered numerically, there are definitely some GOPers who may like one of these things more than something higher on the list, so keep that in mind. With that said, here we go.

10. War. According to a Gallup poll from late October, 75 percent of all Americans approve of President Obama’s plan to get us the hell out of Iraq by the end of the year. When it comes to the Republicans, of course, since Obama is a Democrat, only 43 percent approve of the withdrawal. In that desert paradise Afghanistan, only 34 percent approve of our continued involvement. Now, some righties in the Republican party have called for a withdrawal, that much is true. But when Obama announced a plan for starting to bring our troops home, many GOPers criticized him for it. John McCain, the Arizona Senator who ran against Obama in 2008, and lost badly (nanna nanna boo boo, stick your head in doo doo), has been very vocal against the President’s withdrawal. McCain was known as a “maverick” who could work across the aisle leading up to 2008. Since then, he has joined the GOP call to oppose everything Obama does. Especially breathe.

9. In the closet homosexuality. If someone is out of the closet, the GOP does not believe they should be able to serve in the military, get married, or have basic rights and privileges that we straight folks enjoy. However, from Larry Craig to Bob Allen to Marky Mark Foley, many great men of the Republican party have been able to lead perfectly normal lives, minus their gay sex scandals. Complete denial, from the members of government and their supporters (isn’t there some saying about the blind leading the blind?), has somehow allowed some of these Rainbow Republicans (I just made that up!) to continue to do what their constituents put them in office to do - vote against any legislation that makes homos and heteros equal. Oh yeah, shout out to that fruity crusader Marcus Bachmann, for not only covering up his “queer” ways, but for praying the gay out of others as well.

8. Oil spills. Who doesn’t get sick of the crashing blue waves on the shore and the sight of miles of white sand? The GOP knows that by letting big oil companies erect off shore oil rigs, and leaving them unregulated, beachgoers can get the excitement they are really looking for - explosions, burning water, and of course TAR BALLS!!! Texas’ finest Joe Barton was sick of all the finger pointing at BP after they made a little mistake, and maybe let a little oil trickle into the ocean, and did one of the most compassionate things any Republican has ever done. He apologized to BP for people being mad at them. Barton didn’t think BP should clean up its own mess. Which brings us to …

7. Fucking everything up and then expecting someone else to take care of it AKA the deficit. See George W. Bush. And by the way, if we’re going to talk about spending, deficits, and debts, we should also talk about taxes for the wealthiest one percent (Oh wait, they‘ve created sooooo many jobs). But not the GOP. For any of you reading this blog, looking for holes in it so you can anonymously criticize me in the comments (I welcome it!), read this first. It talks about your hero, Reagan, and his deficit-raising policies. Let’s not pile on Ronnie, though, if he were alive today and supported the same things he did as President, the Tea Party would be hanging him in effigy.

6. Obesity. Under Reagan, ketchup was classified as a vegetable by the USDA. Now, with our current tea bagger Congress, the newest vegetable is … wait for it … PIZZA! Food group confusion not withstanding, you know what makes the GOP even madder? Someone trying to help children be healthy. Especially Michelle Obama. Ooohhh how dare she care more for your child's wellbeing than you. I believe Sarah Palin, that sexy dip shit, even said the first lady was trying to steal our desserts. The nerve. In honor of Sarah and the GOP tards, I’ve reclassified some more foods to help them make it into the Republican Food Guide Pyramid (#GOPFoodPyramid).
    Sweet Tarts/Sprees/Runts/StarBurst: Fruit
    Carrot Cake: Vegetable
    Milk chocolate: Dairy
    Beer: Bread and grains
    Gov. Chris Christie’s fat ass: 100 percent USDA grade A lean meat

5. Gun crimes. Republicans love the shit out of their guns! For this example, I’m not going to talk about Sarah Palin putting targets over Democratic candidates such as Gabby Giffords on her website (whoops, just did), or conservative protestors bringing loaded weapons to Obama’s campaign stops in 2008 (there I go again!). Seriously, I’m not going to talk about Fox News, the unofficial Republican PR machine labeling Dr. George Tiller “Tiller the Baby Killer” in spots, prodding some nut bag to take justice into his own hands (is this joke getting old? One more time). And I wholeheartedly promise not to mention the University of Texas College Republican member who said shooting Obama was “tempting.” Let’s not forget Dick Cheney shot another man in the face.

4. Hypocrisy. See number 9. Then see number 7. Then see Newt Gingrich trying to impeach President Bill Clinton for getting a knobber from Monica Lewinsky while he was getting some on-the-side play during the impeachment trials. Or, go through the list of dickhead GOPers who voted against, and condemned the 2009 stimulus package, and then turn around with their hands out. That one was specifically for Michigan Rep. Dave Camp, a true epitome of the term “douche bag.” Don’t forget those grandstanding assholes like Rick Perry, who, as Governor, swore he wouldn’t take any federal stimulus dollars, but really just wanted to be on TV. Hey, speaking of Rick Perry …

3. Being a complete and utter fuckin’ dumbass. Rick Perry recently couldn’t recall during a debate what the three federal agencies he would eliminate were. Apparently, the third one was “oops.” Palin, not wanting to be out-stupefied, was caught ink-handed with the word "tax" on her hand while giving a speech (because the GOP hardly ever talks about this). Michelle Bachmann is stupid as hell, and will probably be the GOP primary front-runner next week on the Republican primary carousel. She also, in an interview said that GOP candidates could not agree with Obama on anything …. anything. Need I bring up Donald Trump’s embarrassing birther flirtation earlier this year? Or the birther/racism issue at all?

2. Marital infidelity/being a sexual predator. Hermain Cain, Newt Gingrich, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Larry Craig and the rest of the anti-gay rights gay guys, Sen, David Vitter, Chip Pickering, Rudy Giuliani, Bob Livingston, Rush Limbaugh … you get the point.

And the number one thing Republicans like more than health care (I’m not sure when this turned into a Letterman list) …

1. Freedom. The GOP and their friends in the Tea Party love freedom, there’s no doubt about it. That’s why they exercise so many types of freedom: the freedom from math, freedom from common sense, the freedom to hate discriminately, the freedom to declare war due to non-existent WMDS, the freedom to misspell words on their protest signs (or to have them read "Keep your government hands off my MediCare). Republicans, ironically, are also the party of religion and values, and by embracing this label, it has given them the freedom to live in a tax-exempt church that is really an apartment building. From there, this gave them the freedom to use the place as a spot to hold triages with their mistresses. This freedom allowed them to use their freedom of speech to lie about said affairs. Republicans are also free from the bonds of shame. GOPers are free from the lessons of history, and free to claim that history was taught by a bunch of Socialist public school teachers. The same goes for math. Apparently, being a Republican also gives you freedom from vision. They can’t see that people are sick of them sucking on the supple tit of Wall Street. Maybe they’ll get some 20/20 vision in 2012.

Wait. There’s more.

Honorable mentions: The GOP also likes 80-plus year olds getting pepper sprayed by police at Occupy rallies, bullying (another shoutout to the Michigan GOP) and scaring people: Mitt Romney saying Obama’s reelection would  mean Iran getting a nuke is an example here. What, pretty boy? You thought I’d leave you out.

Fuck you Mitt.

A blogworthy television experience 3.0

Stan Lee’s Superhumans

#HolyShit

“I’m not gonna do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do…”

That’s right. When my first two “blogworthy television experience” blogs were written (Holy shit, way back in June!), I was quite cynical. Making fun of “My Cat From Hell” and “Finding Bigfoot” was pretty easy, though, you have to admit.

But “Stan Lee’s Super Humans” is a different monster. Therefore, this blog will not poke fun, but praise Mr. Lee’s creation. 

“Why?” you ask. Well, for those of you who have never had the pleasure of watching, let me break it down for you. As you might have guessed, the show features Stan Lee. (If you don’t know who he is, e-mail me your address, and I will call for a dump truck full of comic books and have them poured out upon you until you cease to breathe. He’s the owner of Marvel Comics, which is responsible for Spider Man, the X-Men, Incredible Hulk, Thor and just about every other movie you’ve seen in the past decade and a half.) Stan is joined by a “Superhuman” host, the world’s most flexible man, Daniel Browning Smith.

Smith, whose power is downright nauseating in action, is dispatched by Lee from a downtown Los Angeles rooftop each episode, and travels around the world to witness Superhuman feats. Smith, along with doctors and/or scientists, then judges whether the individual performing for them is, in fact, super human.

Sounds corny, right?

That’s what an asshole would think. (No offense if you did answer yes … asshole) The stuff the viewer gets to see on this show is amazing. In the first season, I witnessed Isao Machii, a samurai, slice a bullet in two. One guy could perform complex mathematical equations in his mind faster than Ivy League math students could using a calculator. There was a blind guy who rode his bike through city streets, clicking his mouth to use echo-location to detect obstacles in front of him.

And my favorite, of course, was Dean Karnazes, who could literally run forever. (What a great talent in case of a zombie outbreak! See, if you had read Max Brooks’ bestselling “Zombie Survival Guide,” you‘d know that a car is not ideal transportation, but one should … what the fuck, none of this matter right now.)

When I say run forever, I mean it too. Doctors tested him on a treadmill, and as he ran, his lactic acid levels actually decreased, rather than increased, so he wasn’t feeling the pain and muscle fatigue that most of us do when working out. Thus, Dean is a … DA DA DAAA … SUPERHUMAN!

So far in the second season, I’ve seen a dude from Milwaukee jump over a moving car and a seven-foot wall. There’s also been an archer who shot a freakin’ arrow into a piece of aspirin tossed into the air.

Not to mention the Shaolin Monk that drilled an electric drill into his windpipe … and was unaffected!

And there’s only been two episodes so far this season! #HolyShit! Folks, this stuff is mind-blowing. (Sometimes gross, too.) And like I said, it’s backed up with medical and scientific data during the demonstrations and tests.

One thing I’ve really enjoyed, though, was when little Daniel called bullshit on  Tom Cameron, of Chicago, who claimed that his “Chi” could deliver a knockout blow without him actually touching his target. While it worked on his students (Daniel suggested hypnosis, I suggest an occult-like following, or some heavy choreography.), Smith, who weighs maybe 140 pounds, just stood there unaffected.

Oh yeah, here’s another example of this bullshit Chi attack stuff not working out so well: Kiai Fighter Vs. MMA.

When they’re introducing/discussing the next potential superhuman, there are also these cool little comic book drawings of the subjects showing their powers. In fact, the whole show kind of carries a comic book or comic book movie feel, which I think is pretty cool. The camera work is great, and has to be, since in most cases, extreme slow-mo and close ups are needed. (You can’t see a bullet getting sliced out of mid-air without some help from technology. If you can, call Stan.)

So next time you are sitting on your ass all day aimlessly flipping through the channels, check out Superhumans (It’s on the History Channel, by the way). Even if you don’t like reality TV, it’s worth a watch - guaranteed to make you say #HolyShit.

Your Uncle Tim would never steer you wrong.

#FYP.