Everyone can finally stop whining
(I was told this column was too scathing for print, and that I should water it down. I did. Then I saved the original, added a few swear words, even more insults, and voila!)
Thanksgiving is over and I, for one, am relieved. Now I don’t have to listen to everybody bitch about Christmas songs being played before Thanksgiving.
To the folks, and I know there are a lot of them, who have been complaining about Christmas songs being played, I have a challenge — name me 10 Thanksgiving songs.
Done? How many did you get to? Zero? Me too. (And you can’t count a stupid song written by a teacher for a Thanksgiving program in their classroom.)
Let’s do the same for Christmas. A lot easier, right?
OK, I am no fan of Christmas music being played while children are out trick-or-treating, either.
However, if I were to complain about it, I would at least make sure my complaints were original, funny and clever. It seems many Christmas music whiners are just unintelligent mouth breathers secretly waiting with baited breath for those first jingle bells to hit their eardrums. That way, they can be the first one on Facebook to post “Heard Xmas music today! AAHHHH! It’s too early! AAAHHHHH! What about Thanksgiving? AAHHHH!”
So, let’s break down this conundrum really quick.
Thanksgiving is supposedly a celebration of Pilgrims and Native Americans feasting together in harmony. Who were the Pilgrims? Well, they were Christians seeking religious freedom. And Christians, as we all know, worship Jesus. Christmas honors the birth of … wait for it … Jesus! No Christmas means no Thanksgiving.
I doubt Jesus was up in Heaven complaining about Thanksgiving interrupting the lead up to a holiday honoring him. I’m sure he understood. He probably even turned the other cheek.
Let’s compare the arrival of the Pilgrims with the arrival of Jesus. One brought the good news of salvation and offered himself up for the sins of others. One brought small pox. One marked new beginnings for natives of all lands. One marked the beginning of the end for natives of this land.
Look at it from a more secular point of view. We celebrate Thanksgiving by shoveling food down our gullets surrounded by our loved ones. We celebrate Christmas by opening presents, followed by shoveling food down our gullets surrounded by our loved ones.
Since Christmas is around the corner, and I’m in a giving mood, I’ll help out the Christmas music whiners for next year. That’s right. I have written a Thanksgiving song.
Unfortunately, all the good melodies have already been taken by Christmas songs, so I had to borrow one. This should be sung to the melody of “Deck the Halls”:
Line your arteries with gravy
Fa la la la la, la la la laaa
Relatives driving you crazy
Fa la la la la, la la la laaa
Eating turkey, til you pass out
Fa la la, la la la, la laaaaa
That third piece of pie I could’ve done without
Fa la la la la, la la la laaa.
There you go. Next year, when Thanksgiving is approaching, and you are sick of hearing Christmas tunes too early, now you have a legit complaint. Call up a radio station and tell them you want to hear “Line your Arteries” instead of “Deck the Halls.”
But remember, since there is now only one Thanksgiving song, you will hear it roughly 173,820 times before Thanksgiving.
So what is the moral of this column? Stop fuckin' whining if you're not funny (had to get at least one f-bomb in here. It's what I'm good at).
Also, Christmas is better than Thanksgiving.
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