10 Things Republicans Like More Than Health Care

Photo courtesy of Gov. Christie's site. See number 6.

#GOPFoodPyramid

In light of all the Republican presidential candidates hitting the airwaves with their “wisdom” and promises for a better America, I figured I would put together a useful little voters’ guide. Hopefully, this helps you make your decision when you head to the polls for the primary, or next November.

The basis is simple. It’s just a list of 10 things that the Republican candidates like more than health care. When I say health care, I am talking about the Affordable Care Act of 2010 (or was it 2009? I honestly have no more short term memory any more). At its core, these are things more important to Republicans than a child with a preexisting condition such as asthma being able to treat his or her symptom.

Although the list is ordered numerically, there are definitely some GOPers who may like one of these things more than something higher on the list, so keep that in mind. With that said, here we go.

10. War. According to a Gallup poll from late October, 75 percent of all Americans approve of President Obama’s plan to get us the hell out of Iraq by the end of the year. When it comes to the Republicans, of course, since Obama is a Democrat, only 43 percent approve of the withdrawal. In that desert paradise Afghanistan, only 34 percent approve of our continued involvement. Now, some righties in the Republican party have called for a withdrawal, that much is true. But when Obama announced a plan for starting to bring our troops home, many GOPers criticized him for it. John McCain, the Arizona Senator who ran against Obama in 2008, and lost badly (nanna nanna boo boo, stick your head in doo doo), has been very vocal against the President’s withdrawal. McCain was known as a “maverick” who could work across the aisle leading up to 2008. Since then, he has joined the GOP call to oppose everything Obama does. Especially breathe.

9. In the closet homosexuality. If someone is out of the closet, the GOP does not believe they should be able to serve in the military, get married, or have basic rights and privileges that we straight folks enjoy. However, from Larry Craig to Bob Allen to Marky Mark Foley, many great men of the Republican party have been able to lead perfectly normal lives, minus their gay sex scandals. Complete denial, from the members of government and their supporters (isn’t there some saying about the blind leading the blind?), has somehow allowed some of these Rainbow Republicans (I just made that up!) to continue to do what their constituents put them in office to do - vote against any legislation that makes homos and heteros equal. Oh yeah, shout out to that fruity crusader Marcus Bachmann, for not only covering up his “queer” ways, but for praying the gay out of others as well.

8. Oil spills. Who doesn’t get sick of the crashing blue waves on the shore and the sight of miles of white sand? The GOP knows that by letting big oil companies erect off shore oil rigs, and leaving them unregulated, beachgoers can get the excitement they are really looking for - explosions, burning water, and of course TAR BALLS!!! Texas’ finest Joe Barton was sick of all the finger pointing at BP after they made a little mistake, and maybe let a little oil trickle into the ocean, and did one of the most compassionate things any Republican has ever done. He apologized to BP for people being mad at them. Barton didn’t think BP should clean up its own mess. Which brings us to …

7. Fucking everything up and then expecting someone else to take care of it AKA the deficit. See George W. Bush. And by the way, if we’re going to talk about spending, deficits, and debts, we should also talk about taxes for the wealthiest one percent (Oh wait, they‘ve created sooooo many jobs). But not the GOP. For any of you reading this blog, looking for holes in it so you can anonymously criticize me in the comments (I welcome it!), read this first. It talks about your hero, Reagan, and his deficit-raising policies. Let’s not pile on Ronnie, though, if he were alive today and supported the same things he did as President, the Tea Party would be hanging him in effigy.

6. Obesity. Under Reagan, ketchup was classified as a vegetable by the USDA. Now, with our current tea bagger Congress, the newest vegetable is … wait for it … PIZZA! Food group confusion not withstanding, you know what makes the GOP even madder? Someone trying to help children be healthy. Especially Michelle Obama. Ooohhh how dare she care more for your child's wellbeing than you. I believe Sarah Palin, that sexy dip shit, even said the first lady was trying to steal our desserts. The nerve. In honor of Sarah and the GOP tards, I’ve reclassified some more foods to help them make it into the Republican Food Guide Pyramid (#GOPFoodPyramid).
    Sweet Tarts/Sprees/Runts/StarBurst: Fruit
    Carrot Cake: Vegetable
    Milk chocolate: Dairy
    Beer: Bread and grains
    Gov. Chris Christie’s fat ass: 100 percent USDA grade A lean meat

5. Gun crimes. Republicans love the shit out of their guns! For this example, I’m not going to talk about Sarah Palin putting targets over Democratic candidates such as Gabby Giffords on her website (whoops, just did), or conservative protestors bringing loaded weapons to Obama’s campaign stops in 2008 (there I go again!). Seriously, I’m not going to talk about Fox News, the unofficial Republican PR machine labeling Dr. George Tiller “Tiller the Baby Killer” in spots, prodding some nut bag to take justice into his own hands (is this joke getting old? One more time). And I wholeheartedly promise not to mention the University of Texas College Republican member who said shooting Obama was “tempting.” Let’s not forget Dick Cheney shot another man in the face.

4. Hypocrisy. See number 9. Then see number 7. Then see Newt Gingrich trying to impeach President Bill Clinton for getting a knobber from Monica Lewinsky while he was getting some on-the-side play during the impeachment trials. Or, go through the list of dickhead GOPers who voted against, and condemned the 2009 stimulus package, and then turn around with their hands out. That one was specifically for Michigan Rep. Dave Camp, a true epitome of the term “douche bag.” Don’t forget those grandstanding assholes like Rick Perry, who, as Governor, swore he wouldn’t take any federal stimulus dollars, but really just wanted to be on TV. Hey, speaking of Rick Perry …

3. Being a complete and utter fuckin’ dumbass. Rick Perry recently couldn’t recall during a debate what the three federal agencies he would eliminate were. Apparently, the third one was “oops.” Palin, not wanting to be out-stupefied, was caught ink-handed with the word "tax" on her hand while giving a speech (because the GOP hardly ever talks about this). Michelle Bachmann is stupid as hell, and will probably be the GOP primary front-runner next week on the Republican primary carousel. She also, in an interview said that GOP candidates could not agree with Obama on anything …. anything. Need I bring up Donald Trump’s embarrassing birther flirtation earlier this year? Or the birther/racism issue at all?

2. Marital infidelity/being a sexual predator. Hermain Cain, Newt Gingrich, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Larry Craig and the rest of the anti-gay rights gay guys, Sen, David Vitter, Chip Pickering, Rudy Giuliani, Bob Livingston, Rush Limbaugh … you get the point.

And the number one thing Republicans like more than health care (I’m not sure when this turned into a Letterman list) …

1. Freedom. The GOP and their friends in the Tea Party love freedom, there’s no doubt about it. That’s why they exercise so many types of freedom: the freedom from math, freedom from common sense, the freedom to hate discriminately, the freedom to declare war due to non-existent WMDS, the freedom to misspell words on their protest signs (or to have them read "Keep your government hands off my MediCare). Republicans, ironically, are also the party of religion and values, and by embracing this label, it has given them the freedom to live in a tax-exempt church that is really an apartment building. From there, this gave them the freedom to use the place as a spot to hold triages with their mistresses. This freedom allowed them to use their freedom of speech to lie about said affairs. Republicans are also free from the bonds of shame. GOPers are free from the lessons of history, and free to claim that history was taught by a bunch of Socialist public school teachers. The same goes for math. Apparently, being a Republican also gives you freedom from vision. They can’t see that people are sick of them sucking on the supple tit of Wall Street. Maybe they’ll get some 20/20 vision in 2012.

Wait. There’s more.

Honorable mentions: The GOP also likes 80-plus year olds getting pepper sprayed by police at Occupy rallies, bullying (another shoutout to the Michigan GOP) and scaring people: Mitt Romney saying Obama’s reelection would  mean Iran getting a nuke is an example here. What, pretty boy? You thought I’d leave you out.

Fuck you Mitt.